An Apology From My Heart

Earlier today I discovered that parts of my post from yesterday had been posted over at BlogHer. The author apparently saw my comments as condemning and harsh despite my best efforts to the contrary.

I can tell you with all sincerity that this has bothered me all day. I have been in prayer about the situation quite a bit since finding out about it before lunch.

I have asked God to examine my heart. I have asked that He examine my motives. With a genuine desire to know, I have asked Him to show me if I was being judgmental or condemning in any way. After rereading my post numerous times and earnestly asking God to show me the truth, I do not believe that there was judgment or condemnation in my heart.

That being said, I am going to apologize anyway. To any who read my post yesterday, or just now, and perceived it that way, I am sorry. It has never been my intention to sit on a self-righteous pedestal pointing fingers. That was not my intention yesterday either and if anyone saw it in that light, I apologize.

The purpose of this blog has always been to first and foremost honor God who sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to save me from certain death because of my own sin. I am so grateful that He loves me enough to do that for me. As I stated on my post yesterday, I have experienced what it is like to live separated from Him because of my sin, and my heart hurts for others who are experiencing the same thing.

My blog has always been about my journey with Him, my "race," if you will, as the title of my blog implies. I am running that race as best I can. Sometimes I feel like I am flying with the wind at my back. Other times I stumble but keep going, and still other times, I fall flat on my face. Thankfully, God "never leaves me nor forsakes me." (See Hebrews 13:5) When I fall, I can trust that He will be right there to pick me up again, and should I feel I simply can not continue, well then I know He will carry me.

I am not perfect, just forgiven. It may seem cliche, but it is so true. Therefore, let me just say again, if the perception of condemnation and jugment was in my post, I am truly sorry.

Blessings,

He Bought the Lie

Update: There is a follow-up to this post that can be read here.

This morning I sat down to watch the news for a few minutes after my husband left for work. I never do this, but for some reason, this morning I did. I guess so I could be prepared for the email from one dear friend and the phone call from another about the news that hit today. Or maybe it was actually yesterday. I'm not sure. For me, it was this morning on the local news. Being from North Carolina and living just outside of Raleigh, Clay is the native son.

I mentioned on my blog on a couple of different occasions that I was a huge fan of Clay Aiken. While I still love his music and love him as we are to love one another in Christ, today my heart is broken over the choices he is making with his life. He has bought into the lie.

The lie that Satan would have us all to believe which is that homosexuality is "who one is." That is simply not true. Homosexuality is a sexual sin just like sex outside of marriage or adultery.

Jesus said when the teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought before Him a woman "caught in the act of adultery," "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." (See John 8:1-11)

I am not throwing stones here. I can not because there was a time in my life when I bought the lie, too. I believed that I needed a guy to like me and be in a relationship with me in order to feel special and loved. I lived my life outside of God's plan.

I was deceived, and yet, still I knew. Deep down inside, I knew. You see, I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was eleven years old. The Holy Spirit has been living inside of me since that time. And even though I allowed the Enemy who "comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) to rob me of an identity that should have come from who I was in Christ, and not who man said I was, I always knew that what I was doing was wrong. It was always there in the back of my mind.

Never once did I say, "This is just who I am." It wasn't "who I was." It was who I was choosing to be. There is a very big difference.

On another note, I think some of those closest to me are amused by my seeming naivete. Having been a fan of Clay since his American Idol days, I often was asked the question about his sexual orientation. I always said that, "No, I didn't think he was gay." And I didn't.

I went to a number of Clay concerts. I have all of his music. You can't listen to O Come, O Come Emmanuel or even more than that watch him sing it live and not believe he has a relationship with the Lord. I cry every time I listen to his version of that song. I cried when I would see him sing it live. It was as if he was worshipping the Lord in song, and we had been allowed to watch.

I am a singer. I was in band. I am learning to play the piano. Music is a passion for me. God created me to be that way. He often speaks to me through music. It moves me. Clay singing a song about the Savior who has brought me out of the pit more than once moved me.

So today, I am very sad. Clay bought the lie just as I once did. It won't bring happiness. I thought I had happy moments, but I was wrong. I fell out of fellowship with the Love of my life. It was a desolate, bereft place to be.

For Clay's sake, and the sake of his son, I hope he finds his way back into that fellowship. I will be praying that it will be so.

Blessings,

Sometimes It Hurts

Yesterday morning, I went in to wake my daughter up for school as I normally do. However, instead of waking her, I just sat and stared at her as she slept my hand resting gently on her leg. My mind drifted back to a couple of days earlier.

We had attended the annual Greek festival here as we do every year. They periodically have the children come up and dance together. This is my daughter's favorite part. We were just before sitting down to eat when the children were called up. Food forgotten, she raced up to the stage to join the others.

A line had already formed of children holding one another's hands when my daughter arrived on stage. I sat and watched as she tried to figure out how to join in. It is times like this when I lament the fact that she is an only child.

I tried to give her time to figure out what to do and she did. She opted to dance on her own, to her own beat and in her own way. She was having a good time but then I saw her stop. I could tell she was trying again to figure out how to join in with the other children. At that point, I went up to the stage and called her over. I told her to just go take the hand of the girl at the end of the line and join in. And that's what she did.

Apparently, as I made my way back to my seat and began to eat my food, the girl whose hand she had taken shook her hand away from Rachel and acted like she didn't want her to be there.

Rachel is very sensitive and doesn't shake this kind of thing off very easily. She's like me that way. Although, in all fairness, the act was rude, and probably would have hurt anyone's feelings, sensitive or not.

Not long after that, the time for the children to return to their parents had come, and Rachel came back to sit with us. I had not witnessed the incident with the other girl on the stage, nor had my husband. Rachel looked at him with those big, blue eyes, and in a plaintive tone asked, "Daddy, will you dance with me?"

She went on to explain what had happened, and I thought my heart would break. I could get on a soapbox here, but I won't.

As I sat there beside her sleeping form yesterday morning thinking about this, all I wanted to do was keep her right there with me. I didn't want her out of my sight. I sat there and prayed, "Lord, I want so much to be able to protect her from the hurt in this world. People can be so mean." And I heard Him speak to my heart, "Yes, my child, I know. Look what they did to My Son."

And yet, He loves us anyway. I am so thankful for that. For even though I was not there the day Jesus was crucified, my sin put Him there just as if I had been.

Dear Lord, help me to teach my daughter that people will be mean. It is our sinful nature, but you provided a way out for us. His Name is Jesus. She knows Him, and I am thankful for that as well. Help me to remember that you knew her and loved her first, and that You are the ultimate Protector. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

Blessings,

In Pursuit of Proverbs31 Bible Study

Amy at In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 is beginning a new Bible study today. She kicked it off last Monday asking that those who were going to participate answer a few questions. As you can see, I am behind, (which is an example of why I need this study :->), but today is a new day, and I am jumping in. So, here goes.

What do you hope to get out of this Bible study?
To be honest, this passage of scripture really intimidates me. While I have been able to feel better about it since learning about and becoming involved with Proverbs 31 Ministries, I still feel like a failure as a P31 woman. My house is usually a mess. I don't cook often enough for my family. Clothes often have to be grabbed from a basket or the dryer. I worry about what I am teaching my daughter about how to be a wife and mother honoring God and family at the same time. I certainly don't feel like a very good example. My husband, bless his dear heart, never complains, although, he probably should. I don't feel I'm honoring him as I should either. He works very hard so that I can be a stay-at-home wife and mother. He has always wanted it to be that way if that was my desire, which it is. My job is the home, and I don't think I'm very good at my job.

What, if anything, has prevented you from studying these scriptures in the past?
I read through and did the accompanying study for A Woman's Secret to a Balanced Life by Lysa TerKeurst and Sharon Jaynes. It was a great book, and I felt less intimidated by the passage after reading their book and doing the study. They really emphasize that the P31 woman is not supposed to be a superwoman. However, it's been sometime, at least a couple of years, I think, since I did that study, and I don't feel anything like my perception of who a P31 woman should be.

What have you found helpful or frustrating about living out these scriptures?
I think I have already covered this one. In a nutshell, I spend most of my days feeling like I fall way short.

The actual study begins today. I will share my thoughts to the first week's post later this week.

Blessings,

As the Name Implies

Sometimes life comes at you really fast. That is how things have been for me of late. Actually, things haven't really slowed down. I have been busy "running my race."

On any path, it is possible to encounter obstacles that can cause us to stumble, perhaps even fall. It's not, however, about whether or not we stumble or fall but what we choose to do afterwards that really matters.

Jesus said in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (NIV)

Becoming a Christian doesn't mean that all of life will be great. We are told in no uncertain terms that it will not. But immediately after that, we are commanded to take heart for we have the knowledge that the battle has already been won. He is victorious, and therefore, so are we.

Don't quit running your race. Grab a fresh water bottle, tighten up those laces, and keep pressing on. Blessings untold are our reward. We can't know what we might miss if when we fall we refuse to get up again.



God tells in Hebrews 13:5: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Armed with that promise, "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

Sweet Blessings,

Car Shopping

Just popping in to say Hi. I will try to post again in the next couple of days or so, but in keeping with my resolution to follow through on what I say I will do, I am not making any promises about that! :-)

We are car shopping, which I really dislike. Prayers are appreciated!

Take care and, hopefully, I'll be back soon, the owner of a new vehicle along with new debt.

Blessings,

Weathering More Than Just Hanna

Well, we survived Hanna with little more than some much-needed rain. I know there were other's who were not as fortunate as we, and I am praising God for His protection.

It's been a crazy week here at Chez Ward. My car is in the shop for the third time in three weeks (think three Thursday's in a row). Only this time, I didn't get it back. Fortunately, I have a loaner. Any VW Beetle drivers out there? I haven't ever driven one before, but I have to say it's very different then the large sedan I normally drive. My husband calls my car a "land boat."

My husband's car is also out of commission. Our one remaining vehicle, an old 1989 Ford truck with no working gas gauges or A/C, also decided to give us some trouble. We do have bicycles, but in a hurricane, they aren't exactly what I would call the transportation of choice.

My daughter has also been sick, and today I ended up taking her to urgent care. I considered taking her to the doctor yesterday since it was Friday and we were heading into the weekend with a hurricane approaching, but I like to live life on the wild side, so decided to wait.

BTW, I'm kidding about that last part. A wild night for me is looking for a book at Barnes & Noble with my hubby and then sitting down in the cafe to share a dessert while we read our books of choice. Talk about living dangerously.

The good news is, they think my daughter is just having a bad case of allergies. Still, tell that to her poor aching throat. Dr. Mom finally broke out the chicken soup today. It seems to have helped. Can someone please explain to me the medicinal properties of chicken soup? Oh well. Whatever works, right?

Let's see. What else? Oh yeah. Two of my three toilets have stopped up and nearly overflowed (well, one did..twice) since Monday, and now I need a new plunger. The other one wasn't much to begin with, and now it is well and truly done for.

I can honestly say that even in the midst of all the insanity, I know God has been there. I have missed my quiet time with Him the past couple of mornings, and I sure can tell it. I do know, though, had I not been spending time with Him the rest of this week, I would probably be in a straight jacket about now. Thank you, God, for your tender mercies.

Take time to meet with Him. Whatever your struggle, He is there, and He is sufficient.

Sweet Blessings,

Following Through on What I Say I Will Do

As you can see from the title, following through on what I say I will do is on my mind today. Specifically because I said on Monday I would be back yesterday to post about a comment a reader had left over the weekend. I wasn't.

In my defense, things have not been so great around here of late. A lot has been happening and in rapid succession, and not in a good way. Still, that is no excuse.

Off and on yesterday, I kept thinking, I really need to get on the computer and post about the comment from the weekend. I never did. But, I had said that I would.

I sat thinking about it this morning, and then I remembered something I told a friend of mine last week that I would do. I didn't.

I don't mean to do that. I have the best of intentions when I say I will do something. Of course, we know what they say about "good intentions." :-)

God really convicted me about this this morning in my quiet time with Him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is sort of typical for me. Not about big stuff. I don't commit to things that really depend on me and then not do it, but does that really matter?

What I realized this morning is that it does not. What God showed me was that when I say I am going to do something, no matter how small or trivial, and then I don't follow through, in essence, this is telling a lie. Ouch!

Not only that, it does not display Christ-like character. People are watching. They are reading. They are paying attention whether I know it or not.

I espouse my Christian beliefs on my blog all the time. But what about when I say I will be back the next day to post about something, and an unbeliever stumbles across my blog that day? What if they come back the next day looking for that promised post and it isn't there? How does that look?

Some may say I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I don't think so. When the Holy Spirit convicts us of something, we need to pay attention, and I have definitely been convicted today.

Sure, things happen, and there may be times when you can't follow through on something you say you will do, but as a general rule, this should be the exception, not the norm.

So today, I would like to apologize. I pray that God will help me to guard my words more carefully in this area because they really do matter. I don't want to be known as someone who can not be trusted to do what they say they will do. It's a bad reflection on me, and more importantly, it's a bad reflection on the One to Whom I say I belong.

Blessings,


P.S. It is my intention to post about the reader comment, but I'm not going to say if or when it will happen. :-)

Labor Day Vacation

I thought I had finished travelling for a bit, but we decided last week that we would go to the beach this weekend for the Labor Day holiday. We had a wonderful time, and although we are back, we are still "vacationing." Tomorrow will find us all returning to our normal schedules, and I will be back to respond to a comment I received over the weekend about "How do we know for sure what race is marked for us?"

An interesting question. I don't promise to have all the answers. I can only speak from my own personal experience.

Until tomorrow, Happy Labor Day!

Blessings,