I am feeling very unsettled today. I still haven’t signed on to take the 30-day One Month to Live challenge, although I am continuing to read each day’s entry as it comes. Today is Day 6, and it talks about a couple of the reasons why we don’t live out the life God has for us. The second reason discussed is fear. Hel-lo! That would be my reason. Why am I afraid? The truth is, I am afraid of failure. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t ever tried anything and failed at it before. That has happened plenty of times. For some reason, though, this…thing…this path I think God is calling me to with Mary Kay is different for me.
I go to the meetings and the conferences, or at least I used to go. I actually quit going months ago because it was too depressing. Anyway, I would see all those women who have been, and still are, wildly successful in the Mary Kay business. They are living out their dream, but I simply don’t see it for myself. I think part of it is a carryover from my mom.
My mom’s entire life was one big, unfulfilled dream. Dreams…she had lots of them. I know because she talked about them. I saw her attempt to start living out each one. I watched her take more first steps than I can count. Our house was full of the ruins of each unfulfilled dream. I wonder if it contributed to her eventual descent into another world. I know that mental illness is an actual disease. Still, I can’t help questioning whether or not things might have been different if she had seen even one of those dreams come to fruition. She couldn’t make it happen in her own strength, and apparently, she either didn’t know how to ask the One whose strength could make it happen, or she chose not to take it when He offered it. I don’t know, and she may never be lucid enough again for me to ask her.
I do not wish to leave behind a legacy of unfulfilled dreams to my own daughter. When I am no longer here, I hope my daughter will be able to say, “My mom loved God with all her heart and pursued His purposes for her life with everything she had.” A field of dreams lying in ruins is not the image I want her to have. The one I have of my own mother is enough for both of us. In order for me to do this, though, I have to get past this fear…or maybe I have to move forward in spite of it.